17 Oct I Know Whose I Am
A few weeks ago, I had a not so pleasant conversation with my brother. I should’ve recognized it as an attack from the enemy immediately – my brother only calls me or contacts me when he wants to argue – silly me. I called.
Before I knew it, there was a shift in my energy, and I began to think of negative things to say to him. Butttt, ya girl caught herself. I thought, I can handle this the I’m I’ve handled it in the past or I can do something different and walk away before it goes too far, so I ended the conversation.
As I walked back to my desk, I felt the tension – I tried my best to take my mind off the situation, but I was upset and couldn’t shake it immediately. And I’m going to be honest – it took a few days. I’m certainly not proud of that but in the heat of the moment, I alwayssssss try to defend myself. This time, I didn’t. I had thoughts that said, “You should’ve told him this and you should’ve said that ” but I didn’t. For days, I wrestled with my thoughts and the idea of looking weak, yet, I rested on the fact that I know who’s I am.
After a couple days and sharing this testimony with my bible study group, my group leader made a few points that I could not ignore. He said, “I’m worried that you continue to reach for your mask when you’re put into situations like this. You’ve made so much progress. I’m convinced that you are not the person you used to be in fact, I’d go as far as saying you were never that person.” DING!
There will be situations in your life that will make you feel like you’re being triedddd (Tamar voice), but we all have a choice: to respond, to react, or to give it to God. I’m on a give it to God tour. Does anyone want to join me? We’re all going to be tested in the areas that we feel are our weakest – it’s up to us to prepare for those moments so we can discern and choose God. Have you ever prayed for patience and ended up in a situation that works your nervesss! Whew be careful what you ask for because the only way we can grow is to conquer every demon that you’re battling. Practice makes you better, so the only way that you can get better at not spitting fire is to be put in a situation that makes you feel that everything about this warrants you to go completely off – then you choose not to. That is growth.
I agree with my leader. It’s not me. It’s a mask – it’s never been me, and I say that because I know that is not who God created me to be. The more I learn the more I can identify, adjust, or unlearn some things that I’ve learned from this world. The biggest blessing is knowing who’s you are and knowing that, I can and will do better at walking away from situations that do not serve me. I will give it to God. You can call me a punk, scary, weird – or whatever four to five letter word that comes to your mind. I know who’s I am.
I pray that whatever or whoever you’re disagreeing with that you two can find a resolution. If not, walk away. Walking away doesn’t make you weak. Walking away makes you strong – and honestly, that’s a strength that can only come from God, so use your resource in Him. When it goes beyond the wisdom that God has made readily available to and for you, lay it at His feet. The coolest thing about God is knowing He can do ALL things!
I pray that God softens your heart. The hardest thing about being a human is loving people beyond their inequities. There are some people who will piss you completely off! This is the time to show love – and showing love doesn’t mean being fake or pretending. Showing love is sometimes just being silent. Don’t defend yourself. Stop trying to make a point. Don’t say anything. Just let God work.
I pray that you find the lesson in the situation. I never think that I’m right. In fact, I always think that I’m wrong. How did I attract this? What could I have done better? I could’ve been more understanding. I didn’t have to explain or defend what I did to hurt someone. What is it that God would’ve wanted me to learn from this? Once I’ve answered these questions, it’s time to forgive – both myself and whomever else is involved.
Praying for your heart is something that I would suggest as a daily activity. This isn’t an area that should be avoided and just when you think you’ve made progress, pray harder. There are broken pieces of your heart that are not on the surface. There’s evidence of this that becomes apparent every time you lose control. If you don’t have at least two close prayer warriors, find some immediately. I’m not saying let anyone pray for you – I’m saying pray that God sends you trustworthy sisters and brothers in Christ who are going to war for you and intercede for you when needed and pray that you can recognize them and have an open heart to receive.
God, I trust You. I know that when I am weak, You are made strong. I thank You for being my shield and my buckler. You know me better than I know myself, so continue to reveal parts of me that I’ve neglected over the years. Reveal to me the areas in my life that are out of alignment with who you’ve called me to be. Let my desire for You and Your will grow daily and may I have the courage and strength to walk away from anything that does not serve Your kingdom.