08 Sep I Want to be a Wife
How being celibate was mistaken for being Gay.
I recall one day having a conversation with my niece, and she asked me if I were gay. She overheard an argument my sister and I were having and in the midst of that conversation, my sister inquired about my sexuality. I had previously shared my choice to remain abstinent in confidence – hoping that it would be a way that we could build our relationship but in the midst of a heated moment, my pure intentions were used against me and honestly, my feelings were hurt.
No one in my family talked about sex – it was almost non-existent. We just knew not to do it. I can’t even tell you how I discovered it or when I decided that it was something that I wanted to pursue. I knew very little about sex; no one explained it to me. Nope, mama didn’t take me out for a girl’s day or drop subtle hints over dinner, they never talked about it at church, but all of my friends were talking about it. It was like this exclusive activity that was only permitted for adults, so why were all of my friend doing it? I wanted to be a part of the conversation so ultimately, I decided to do it, too. My friends failed to mention anything about the broken hearts and impulsive responses you’d have and random inspector gadget moments that would have you questioning you boyfriend’s every move. So, I decided to do my own research. I started spending my lunch breaks in the library. The librarian, Mrs. Brooms, helped me find books on sex and sexual transmitted diseases. I was not prepared for what I was going to find, but I was determined to be more informed.
A couple years pasted and I had managed to not have sex but not by choice. I was dating a guy whom I thought was very attractive. One of the things that attracted me to him was his willingness to wait until marriage to have sex. Oww, maybe he’s my husband I thought. We started hanging out – we loved to dance and go downtown Chicago to explore the city together but like the others, it didn’t last. There were many secrets in this relationship, secrets that wouldn’t be reveals until long after we were broken up. I ignored the signs early on; everyone knew and had even suggested that he was gay, but I refused to believe it. “He just likes to dance” was my way of justifying his suspicious behavior. He may have waited until marriage, but he didn’t marry me.
“I’m done,” I said to myself. I am done dating. I had given up. This just isn’t working. I’m just going to use guys. I was tired of being the good girl. Who wrote the rules for a girlfriend anyway? I thought maybe I’d play the guys like they play me, use them for their money and not love them in return. This plan didn’t work. Soon after, I found myself in the same situation – in (puppy) love. Can anyone be faithful? I was convinced that I needed to be a ride or die chick. I liked the way that sounded. If he cheats once or twice, I was hurt, but I couldn’t let another woman take my man. We were going to work it out. I was going to make some adjustments to make sure that he never cheated again. Why do women always feel like they need to make adjustments? I became everything that I vowed to never be, possessive and overbearing. I called every hour. “Where are you, and who are you with? What time are you leaving and where are you going after that?” I stopped trusting them, I was losing friends and I was an emotional wreck.
It didn’t feel good to wake up alone. The good-morning text were non-existent, the last night calls ceased and Sweetest day and Valentine’s day would become National Singles Day. I was used to being a girlfriend, but I knew that I didn’t want to be the girlfriend that I had always been. I had desires and aspirations of being a wife, but no one wanted to be a husband. I was trying too hard. I wanted to pick my husband. After all, I knew what I wanted him to look like, act like, smell like, talk like. Heck, I had created my own man in my head.
But if I were responsible for picking my husband, I’d relinquish all my rights. Obviously, I’m a little flawed and a tad bit shallow. I need help. Where you at God? The beauty in knowing that I have no control over who my husband is has given me total freedom; I don’t have to make up any more silly rules or kiss anymore frogs (or maybe a couple more lol), but I do have to focus on building a better relationship with God. I was looking for the love and validation from past boyfriends. I never knew that I was already loved, validated, confirmed and accepted by God. He had already given me everything I could ever imagine, but I had given Him little to no credit for His unwavering love. Instead, I was looking for young men to give me what they didn’t have to give. I was unrealistic – operating with limitations; I was doing what I’ve always done, be a girlfriend, but I wanted to be a wife.
This blog is for the young lady who thinks she isn’t enough, who thinks she has to change who she is to accommodate a man’s shortcomings. This is for the young lady who is desperate for attention of the opposite sex. She’s not getting the love and attention from her family, so she searching for love in all the wrong places. This is for the young lady who is seconds away from doing what all of her friends are doing. She dying to be a part of the conversation, so she’s willing to sacrifice her innocence to be included. This is for the girl who wants to remain pure. She struggles with wanting to fit in and wanting to be who God created her to be. She’s torn between two worlds and often contemplates if God will keep His promises. Most times she feels alone, she feels like an outcast, she’s often bullied, and looked over by her peers. This is for the young lady who is determined to win, she has an abundance of confidence and doesn’t care about social status. She has the courage of a lion and the tenacity of a fierce leader. She’s bold and beautiful, both internally and externally.
– To you, I say, keep fighting. Press forward through every trial. Ignore the voices that tell you that you’re not good enough or that you’ll never find a husband, that men like that don’t exist anymore. Ignore the the voices that tell you that your husband won’t wait for you. Stand your ground and shine your heart. Show them that there is power in believing in the things unseen and most importantly, pray for them.